pull the trigger and the nightmare stops

when we have no longer to live, these slices wrists hurt less than this wounded heart...

Fri, 13 Feb 2004 07:57:48 GMT

i wish i knew what the fuck was wrong with me, even better i wish i could fucking fix it.

Fri, 13 Feb 2004 07:45:24 GMT

i need to change some things.
i need motivation.
i need her in my arms.
i need to sleep.
i need my friends to be happy.
i need to know who my real friends are.
i need to shave.
i need to go to the dentist.
hmmmmph busy week.

Jakob ferrara is the cutest child ever, and ralph and joanne are amazing parents.

today was a good day...

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 06:39:51 GMT

So today was pretty rocking, went out with mike and got my little lady's vday presents. Hung out at mike's mad a creation is crucifixtion and estaline mix, picked up kimi, and went to NJ to the MPD. it was awesome annmarie and her friends made us all feel welcome. Walter is the funniest kid ever. I am going to sleep happy.

Tue, 10 Feb 2004 04:16:52 GMT

If i don't leave this house shortly even for an hour, something will be destroyed. I am terribly happy that i don't own a firearm right now. Having 4 feet of space in a living room of a two bedroom apt. with 7 sucks ass. someone please kill me, you'll be doing six other people a favor. I'm going to go die. you go listen to godspeed you black emporer! now.

i'm a ho.

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 06:48:40 GMT

I'm really scared of what is going to happen. but i can't let it ruin what i have.

Thanks for coming to visit and cheering me up annmarie.you really did, Jersey will be visited very soon. Mike you are a doofus, and i love you. i love you baby. Blockbuster, i hate you.sleep i need you.

Sun, 08 Feb 2004 08:31:07 GMT

"will someone please call a surgen who can crack my ribs,and repair this broken heart"

Thu, 05 Feb 2004 12:29:10 GMT

....holy shit i'm twenty-four not twelve.shut the fuck up.

....tonight i sleep with a gun in my mouth.

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 07:54:35 GMT

So i'm one of those people that don't believe in god, but man does that fucker hate me. Just when i think everything is going good, and i'm happy in my life he goes and throws me a massive fucking curve ball, just to mess things up.Today i find out that while my father is in the hospital, his fucking stomach decides to expand in the middle of a procedure, and this makes his lungs stop working. FUCK DOCTORS. SO after a 3hour emergency surgery he is ok, or so my family tells me, fuck them too. Then I go to work and get a call,telling me that someone who i cared for very much, albiet never got to spend much time with passed away.She was an amazing, caring,human being,and was far too young to be taken from this world. I am so sick of everything. there are drug dealers, jukies, rapists child molestors all free, healthy, able to do whatever fucked up things they want to themselves and others, but this caring, gentle, wonderful soul is taken insted. FUCK this, fuck life,fuck everything.TO her family, i'm sorry for your loss,i'm sure she is in a much better place and happy.She was an angel here, now she is an angel in heaven.

and to my angel, thank you for being there for me, and for the hugs. i love you
and to my friends, i love you all, and i will always be here for you.

for dana h....

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 07:38:02 GMT

Change in every little desire
We were counting on forces we could not control
Oh and all those things you realized
Were nothing more than a memory displaced through

So the story's told beyond our grasp
We were climbing forever an infinite task
Shoulders straining with the endless toil
We're nothing more than a feather moving in the wind

I want to change everything
I want to change everything
I want to blame everything on

Oh and all these seeds will grow anyway
Even though the outcome we cannot say
So you'll always have your time to shine
Even in the winter of your darkest hour

In the depths of my gloom
I crawl out for you
From the peaks of my joy
I crawl back into
Tearing me down evey time you smile
Every shining time you arrive

sunny day real estate- every shining time you arrive

you are way more than you ever let yourself be.and now you are an angel.

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 17:28:24 GMT

so yeah yestarday was better than the day before.so thats good right? we all went to the set to flames/dfd show. they were both good.it was the best i've ever seem dfd, except their set got cut short, but what can you do. we were gonna go to a dinner after but they hate us so they left hahaha. came home went and got food then got some sleep.sleep is nice. gonna go do more of that now i think. buh-bye

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 06:40:41 GMT

today sucked.
tomorrow better be....well...better.

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 05:37:56 GMT

its cold in here, and i'm tired, every one come over and we will have a cuddle orgy.

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 06:52:04 GMT

fuck. long entry deleted. fuck
point is good day
pallisades = fun for anthony, hopefully for annmarie
kimi = happy anthony
mike = happy anthony
annmarie = happy anthony
diner = happy anthony
anthony = keeping his fingers crossed, worried
cuz everything is going well, that it will stop.
poopy.

Sun, 25 Jan 2004 19:39:49 GMT

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 07:48:36 GMT

i'm too tired to update, so here is the short version. life is good :)
chris is coming home for the show next weekend and that is soooo metal
i get to see for all its worth on sat. and peanut butter co. tomorrow. Yay for me!

t minus seventeen years and counting...

Tue, 20 Jan 2004 22:58:13 GMT

I really hate seeing and reading about my friends being upset, hurt,angry.It really sucks, like i wish i could make everything better for all of them.I'm sorry things are going not so good for a bunch of people i care about, and i'm sorry i can't fix it.all i can do is be here for you if you want me to be.

on a different not, please everyone go out and buy or order off interpunk or robotic empire the circle takes the square lp it is the most amazing recording i have heard in many years. if you like emo,screamo,hardcore,grind,metal, honesty,art...anything you will love it.

Mon, 19 Jan 2004 06:45:48 GMT

i'm glad we talked.
cleaning up human poop at work is just fucking lame.

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 23:30:11 GMT

take what i have, take these broken remains
what can i give you that you don’t already deserve

as i lay dying

don't read this,unless you are me, then in that case do as it says fucko.

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 21:11:10 GMT

do you ever feel like you are trying your hardest for no reason what so ever? like you are working harder then you ever have, doing things you never thought you would do, thinking in different lights, all to achieve a certain (most likely un-attainable goal)? I am feeling that way now, it seems no matter how hard i try i can't break this down, no matter how honest i am, i'm not believed. For once in my life I will not agree to this defeat, it is worth fighting for, getting hurt for, losing everything for. I am good enough for it, I will speak clearly enough and I will not let myself defeat myself this time. IT IS WORTH IT.

wow

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 21:40:22 GMT

wow i actually accomplished things today, i cleaned...and...moved furniture. go me.

ps. it just occurred to me how lazy i am, so lazy in fact i think doing two things that need to be done deserves rewarding. yay for laziness!

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 08:03:06 GMT

YOU SHOT UP MY HEART!!

:)

wow....

Thu, 08 Jan 2004 04:18:16 GMT

Ummmmmmm yeah. today was perfect. just everything went well.everything.I'm getting spoiled.that was awesome. and i'm doing well with not worrying so much,i'm really surprising myself, hope i keep it up all year. Ok food time!

the end of my rope is a noose

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 09:03:17 GMT

I give up.
you want to fucking hate me for something i wrote and felt.
fucking hate me then.
its obviouse i am the world's most horrible fucking human being.
cuz i've never been there for any of you.
cuz i've never cared for any of you, right?
please go ahead fucking hate me.
thank you.
thank you.
thank you.

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 08:22:40 GMT

so we missed the show, but had 2x as much fun. lebowski, pool,bad diner food. Yay
Sometimes i feel so happy i make myself sick.like when someone stopped by and put their head on my shoulder. gonna go to sleep happy tonight. i love you all.

Mon, 05 Jan 2004 21:56:45 GMT

i'm bored
i want to go out
i want the show to be now
i wanted to go visit at work
i need a car
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